This Is For Every Guy That Has Ever Been Awaken By Their Girl In The Middle Of The Night Being Asked, "Who The Fuck Is______?!" (Tips For Cheaters.)

I wonder, what goes threw ya guys head when we catch ya doing dumb shit???

Do you feel like all your organs are shutting down?

Do you just wanna crawl into a hole and die?

Or just disappear into the ground?

Well, ya dumb ass shouldn't have been cheating AND got caught doing it. Now ya girl left you, you sleeping on the couch, she started cheating on you back, and you done caused all type of problems in your life now. Never stress. Lazaguncarrier is here to give you some tips on how to flush the toilet (properly) after you've taken a shit. Oh by the way, this for the cheating women out there too...

---> Dont you DARE do your dirt on the same phone you most commonly use. You wanna cheat? Get a second phone, talk to your side piece before you go in the house say your goodnights or whatever, put that shit on silent, and hide it.

---> Don't brag to your boys about the scandalous shit you are doing BIG MOUTH. Keep that shit low key. You run ya mouth, someone might over hear you or ya boy might be a playa-hater and tell your girl. Smh.

--->Use a condom.

--->Let the other person know WHO they are and WHERE they stand! Let them know gently that there is someone far more important than them in your life. Trying to keep two hubbys and two wifeys is gonna screw you up in the end. Someone gots to go!

--->Dont cheat on your girl with the bitch in the neighborhood (the streets is watching), a co-worker (its embarrassing to yourself and your lady), her friends (needs no explanation), your homegirl (you tell ya gf thats just a friend but you fucking her. Great, now your a cheater and a liar.). You know what, just do your dirt out of the borough.

--->Delete any electronic evidence of your infidelity. Don't save it or back it up ANYWHERE.

--->Keep your patterns the same. Dont change up or do shit differently. Your partner notices. If you come home from work, dont take a shower, eat and hop ya funky ass in bed....then all of sudden you come home from "work", take a shower, and not even hungry for dinner just shows us that a.) you're wearing someone else scent and b.) you guys went out to eat before or after the events.

--->Don't treat your main girl shitty. It causes suspicion. Unless you planning on ending it with her and start a new relationship with the other chick.

--->Make sure the person you're cheating with is worth it. Because if you follow everything I just wrote up there and it still goes up in flames, be prepared to be alone or be with that bitch you was creeping with.

Notes from the author:

I do not condone cheating at all. My personal opinion: If the person you're involve with is not making you happy, work it out or LEAVE. Don't play games with anyones feelings. This is for the males and females out there. If you just wanna have fun or you're bored, there's other ways to find excitement. Yea, we shouldn't be going through ya shit BUT, we shouldn't find shit when we do go looking. We should feel stupid EVERYTIME we go threw ya shit. But if you are going to be infidel, cover up your tracks. Last but not least, if being with one person isn't suitable for you at this point in your life, don't get involved with anyone until you're ready.

Over. Out.

The Word "Sorry."

Is it me or is there something about the word "sorry" that makes you feel...submissive? Don't we feel "soft" after we say the words "I'm Sorry" to someone? I mean, I'm all about forgiveness and apologizing when I've done something wrong but saying the word sorry is not an option for me. "My fault, excuse me, pardon me, my mistake, I apologize" sounds so much better to say when it comes to the person who needs to apologize. Saying sorry makes you sound like a punk. Sorry, that's just my opinion. Because certain people you just cant say those words to. Once you say "I'm sorry" it makes some people think they are superior over you. They take that little ass sorry and try to run with it. Still hold a grudge then got the nerve to try to give you their ass to kiss. Fuck that, if that's that case I can take back my sorry and you can keep your forgiveness...life goes on!


What I find interesting is that we women, are the worst people to say sorry to. That's why guys hate saying sorry when they fuck up. Because we still walk around like we're mad with this attitude and we take too long to forgive them. Hence, pissing the guy off and then he's like "Fuck you! And I'm taking back my sorry!" But some of us women can't help how we are. But not me. When someone says the words sorry to me I appreciate it because I know how hard it is to mutter those five letters. I'll admit, there are times when I have been dead wrong and I don't apologize. Just because I'm wrong doesn't mean I feel sorry or apologetic about it. Maybe I did wrong on purpose. Or maybe...I do feel apologetic I just don't think the person deserves to hear an apology. That's just me. I don't say sorry If I don't feel like its applicable. You should never apologize if you don't feel sorry. And if you do feel sorry, in my opinion you shouldn't say the actual words because it tends to leave you wide open to get taken advantage of. Then again, it really depends why you are apologizing in the first place. If you slept with your husbands brother, bitch you better feel and say say sorry. Keeping your pride is the least of your worries in a situation such as that. But if you by accident step on someone's shoes (especially a stranger) just say, "excuse me, or my mistake." If you say sorry, that person is going to think your soft and tell you, "Now wipe it off!" If you're that punk, your probably gonna wipe it off. And if you think like me, you're gonna tell that person, "Fuck off." Which will most likely get you into a physical confrontation. But hey, at least you didn't go out like a punk. ;)

See the difference a five-letter word can make?

You're TOO F@#king Loud! (Broadcasting your business while on the telephone.)

So I was in the salon today getting my wash and set and as I was getting my hair setted, I hear this woman underneath the dryer talking on the phone. I know, ya'll probably thinking I was all up in her conversation being nosey but sadly that was not the case. She was so loud that I didn't even have to try to listen to her conversation because it was the only thing you heard over the music playing, the hair dryers, the crying babies and the chitter-chatter from the other beauticians. What's a shame is that the person who's talking loud on the phone is never talking about good news. Only loud about the short-comings in their life. Never loud about achievements or other accomplishments they SHOULD be loud and proud about. We dont ever hear people shout about getting a degree, a promotion, or owning their own home. It's always bad news. This loud mouth girl in the salon was talking about how her sons father doesn't give her money for his tuition towards school, just slandering the man. I mean, I dont care it aint my business but I shouldn't have to hear it. And no one else should either. Its tacky. I know when we are upset (especially us ladies) we tend to raise our volume and at times we can be so angry that we don't care how loud we are. And then there is some people in the world who are just naturally loud all the time. They can't help it.

What encouraged me to write this blog is for the big mouths who DO care who listens to their conversations and get mad when certain shit they say gets repeated. If your in public places talking shit about people, dont you think you should watch your volume? Not just because you dont want your information being repeated or put out there, but for the sake of others around you who don't give a fuck if your lights about to get cut off or if your neighbor slept with your husband. Im not just targeting women because ya men can be loud as well. No one wants to hear about the freak you had over last night or how fucked up you was at the party. The wrong places to be talking shit on the phone real loud are hair salons, nail salons, the clinic, a lobby that has intercoms, the store, a train cart, the bus, your neighborhood DMV, or any public venue for that matter.

In general, we should watch what we say on the phone, how loud we say it or how we speak in public period. You never know who's listening. It could be someone important like a potential boss or someone who wants to give you an opportunity of a lifetime. You think whoever that person is will be willing to give you a job or an opportunity if you're out in the street cursing talking about fuck niggas and ima beat this bitch up and so on and so forth? And even if there is no one important around, just be quiet, we strangers dont wanna hear your problems. We have our own. :)

The Definition of a Home-Wrecker. (My First Pre-Written Blog)

It's 3:49 am. You're laid up with your Hunny and ya'll are doing ________. (You fill in the blank.) Then the phone goes off and its not yours. At this point, if this is not the first time this has happened we can already assume who it is. It's either _______, _________, or _________. (Fill in the bitch name.) Who ever she is knows DAMN well its TOO fucking late to be hitting up your man. Not only does this chick blow up his phone, she is also that clingy co-worker who's always inviting him out somewhere as "friends". Or the classmate that always needs help with their "French", or the homegirl who is having troubles with her man and needs a "male" opinion. Just a bunch of bullshit. Excuses just to have a reason to deal with your man. Is it me or don't you feel like telling that co-worker "Hey, why don't you ask the other forty niggas you work with to come to the movies with you?", or telling that classmate "go get a fucking tutor!", or that homegirl "seek a couples counselor, he has his own relationship to worry about!" If you haven't grasped the idea already people, I'm describing to you a H-O-M-E-W-R-E-C-K-E-R. It's a person who tries to wreck your relationship, marriage, etc. so they can STEAL your partner. Home-wreckers can be male or female. They don't take days off. Blunt or discrete about their motives. They can be the Ex that refuses to go away, your neighbor, classmate, coworker, his friends, your friends. It doesn't matter if she or he has a boyfriend/girlfriend. Anyone who knows that the person is involved with someone else and still continues to pursue them is a home-wrecker.

From my observations, home-wreckers normally come in the female version. What I also discovered was that a female will try to steal your dude and "wife" it but the male version of a home-wrecker will steal your bitch just to have fun with her. (Why was Wiz Khalifa in my head as i wrote that last sentence? Shout-outs to Flightunion by the way.)

What annoys me is this: All the men and women in the ENTIRE world, why do you want someone elses??????????????? Are you THAT pathetic that you cant get your own? Or maybe you're just TOO whack? I mean lets thoroughly analyze this issue. Who do we blame here? Was it a happy home to began with? Or was it a home that was bound to get wrecked? If dude is happy with you and this bitch is just on his meat, you really gotta bring the bullet to the home-wrecker. But if your dude is giving shorty food for thought (stringing her along because he likes the attention) or he ain't letting her down rough enough, you might need to tap him on his head with the pistol. However, if the guy is putting it out there that he's miserable or that you dont matter, you really gotta shoot the both of them. :-/. Of course violence is not the answer. You can be a woman about it and just accept it. Look at Jennifer Aniston (Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt), Shar Jackson (Brittney Spears stole Kevin Federline) and Mashonda (Alicia Keys stole Swizz Beats). It happens to the best of us.

Note from the Author: On average, it takes me no longer than 15 minutes to write and publish a blog (including proof reading) and are written off the top of my head. This blog was pre-written on a piece of paper towel and was highly anticipated. It took me almost an hour to write this.

Nice Guys Finish Last. (Something for the Fellas.)

Time to shine some light on the nice guys out there. Ya'll are few and far between but I know you exist. What's sad is that the few that remain are a part of a dying breed. Many nice men think that being kind gets them no where but alone and played. And I can see why. Not on purpose (I dont think) but females tend to go for the not-so-nice-guy. The reason for that is...well I can't really say there could be numerous reasons why. But majority of the time the bad guy goes around acting like he's the nice guy so we often fall for it. I hear nice guys say all the time, "ya girls dont want a nice guy, ya want a guy that treats you bad and disrespects you!" I strongly disagree with that statement. Half the time ya'll nice guys come around and it's too late. We've already been fucked over by the guy pretending to be nice. Or we are already involved with that not-so-nice-guy.

What it really is about is PRESENTATION and ATTITUDE. I'm about to say something really fucked up but I don't care it's the truth. Ladies don't want a guy who comes off nice. Not saying you can't be nice, just not look like your nice. Women often fall for the sweet-talking, charming, well dressed, confident guy. And lets face it. Majority of the time these type of men tend to have a lot of bullshit with them. Of course, that's not what automatically comes to our minds. But in the same respect, there is something so captivating about a guy that we SHOULDN'T fuck with but we proceed to anyway.

Now for the nice dudes out there. Im not saying you should change the way you are or that there's something wrong with the way you are now. Any potential girlfriend should accept you for the person you are. However, its always room for improvement. Just take a step back, look at yourself, and ask this question, "What can I do to make me even better?" If it means being a little more aggressive, changing up your style a bit, or bringing up ya confidence level a few notches, no harm can come from that. A little bit goes a long way. ;).

Bro's before Hoes...Chicks before Dicks? (My UN-Censored Thoughts)

As I get older, I would like to think that I become smarter as well. I learn from every disappointment and I grow from every achievement. But most importantly, I believe I learn the best from my friends or at least people who I think are my friends. My male friends have taught me that no matter what, women come second to everything...(money, homies, reputation etc.). The only woman that doesn't apply is mom dukes (sometimes). With females, I've learned that its the other way around. A chick will pick dick over their best friend in a nano-second. The power of the "cocky" is STRONG. The guy can be as shitty as the bowels that fall from my ass, just as flaky as the dandruff from my scalp, and just as dirty as a NYC bum. And still, a woman will love that filthy man through thick and thick.

Females, why we triflan like that? Why do we pick a nigga over our own sisters? A no good nigga at that? Males are convinced and they KNOW that females come and go. So why don't we treat niggas like trains and buses on a 15 min schedule on a Monday morning? A chick will cut her friend off for some bullshit and could be with a guy who does 9 times as worst things to her and still talk about the dude with a smile on her face. You stay with a nigga that treats you bad that's your business but don't be proud about that shit. I've witnessed bitches stop talking to their best friend over foolery and NEVER speak to them again. But the nigga in her life who constantly fucks up ALL the time gets back in the door, NO PROBLEM! Not even a make-up gift. SMH.

Much respect to ya'll dudes. Don't no female stop ya'll from chillin with ya homies, smoking that spliff, taking that shot, catching ya dubs, or getting some other coochie. Your girl needs to pay rent and ya'll front like ya aint got it and go to the club and pop bottles in your brand new outfit.

Ladies, I'm disappointed in ya'll. Ya'll dumbasses wont go to a club if that nigga say don't go, ya'll wont hang out with ya girls if he say you cant, ya'll wont getcha nails done cus HE needs some money, and ya wont even take a "good" guys number because you fuck with the "bad" guy. Shame.

Ladies can bond together by the simple things...(wash n sets, tv shoes, magazines, and shopping) yet we are easily divided by something so common and indifferent...DICK!

My Completed Tat. (Finally)

So after over a year, I finally completed my first tattoo. Yayyyy me. :). My first tat didn't hurt at all. I sat and listened to WBLS while my tat artist did his thing. Shout outs to Rae a.k.a Illtastic Ink.

I thought my second time around things would be BREEZY. Flightunion accompanied me along with Grandpa (Tristan) and what only was two hours felt like FOREVER! That shit hurt like hell. Enough chatting, here's some pics...

Significance: I'm a former dancer (thats why its on my leg) and my personal relationship to music.

7 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Go Through Your Guy/Girl Phone. (For NO Reason!)

Ever heard the phrase, "Keep searching and you will find what you're looking for."? It's not just a saying, its actually true. If your relationship is perfectly fine (or close to it), why go looking for dirt if there's no traces? Why go looking for problems if there is no evidence of a problem? For the brand new couples and the old couples trying to turn over a new leaf, this is a must read blog to avoid falling into the traps of beginning or continuing a dishonest relationship.

1. If there is no reason to look through his or her phone, don't go looking for a reason. You should already have a *reasonable cause if you are brought to the point of snooping.

2. It becomes habitual. Suddenly you get comfortable with searching and you begin to learn the ins and outs of his or her device and next thing you know, its one of your favorite hobbies.

3. When you become too comfortable, you get caught. There is two ways of getting caught: (A) He/she catches you red handed with phone in hand or (B) You tell on yourself. Once you are caught, you've just opened a door that is going to be difficult to close and lock. Your partner no longer trusts YOU and the next time you go to search through their phone, it has a password. Which makes you even MORE suspicious and the mistrust cycle begins.

4. Things aren't always what they seem to be. We check call logs, read texts, and we often take the things we find the wrong way. Let's face it. We all have/had a few text of phone calls that require some explaining. There could be several reasons why "John" is texting your lady 2:00 in the morning. We find little things and blow them out of proportion and react irrationally. There could be nothing going on with her and John but because you went looking and saw John's text at 2 in the morning, John is now an issue.

5. You might start something you most certainly cannot end. Snooping is contagious. Once your partner sees that you have been snooping through their shit, they might want to start snooping through yours. Really, the person who starts it all better be "goody-two-shoes" because if your snooping and got suspect activity going on in your phone, you relationship can become very toxic.

6. You find the tiniest things while searching and now you have the largest doubt. It consumes your thoughts and now all you can think about is your partner playing you. It's a heavy thought that doesn't shake easily. You accuse and assume your partner constantly and now he or she is disgusted to the point that they are thinking about leaving you or actually doing what you assume/accuse them of doing.

7. For the old couples trying to start over... you've been there, done that. You know what the both of you are capable of. If you both agree to put aside the nonsense and get past the old dirt, then stick by it. If you haven't trusted him or her for a long time, don't you think its time? If not now, then when?

*Reasonable causes: Hickey on the neck, empty condom wrapper in the pocket, lipstick on the collar, lying about whereabouts, taking the phone in the bathroom even to just wash their hands, and any sneaky behavior.

What you should learn from this is that, if someone wants to cheat on you, they will. If your partner is smart and careful, you can look through all the phones you want, break into all of their social networking sites their on and find nothing. Whatever your partner is doing behind your back will most certainly come to front. And whatever they do in the dark will definitely come to light. Don't go looking for it. It will come and find you. ;).

It's Almost Cuffing Season!

As we all know, its about to be cuffing season again. For those of you who don't know, cuffing season approximately starts in September and roughly ends is April. In a nutshell, its when everybody gets themselves a winter hubby/wifey to help them stay warm through the cold months. Then when it gets hot again, magically, your winter fling begins to fall apart and suddenly you're available for your summer quests. One can cuff all year around but the most common time is when it starts getting cold. Its best you get your cuffing buddy as soon as possible before someone else does. And on a cold dark night, the last thing you want to be is lonely. When pursuing a cuffing buddy, keep these qualities in mind:

-->Fly winter gear. Even in knee-high snow, ya cuffing buddy should still look good.

-->Be a great cook or have money for take out.

-->Comes over with liquor/herbs in hand. (Which ever is your poison.)

-->Looks good in pajamas and lounge-around clothing.

-->Likes laying around watching whatever the hell it is you like to watch.

-->Can help you make heat, curl your toes, and help you wash the sheets after.

-->Doesn't catch feelings when April comes around and you start acting "unavailable".

Not much rules apply because the cuffing buddy is only around for a season or so. However, cuffing buddies ARE re-usable. End cuffing season on a good note in April and they will probably let you re-use them again in September.

Over. Out.

The Lazaguncarrier.

Laza-gun-carr-ier [noun]:

(1.) A diverse, resourceful woman. She's full of information, advice, and is depended on. She can braid your hair, fix you a drink, give you some tips, and roll you a nice one ;). She'll help you do your taxes, get you a job, and hook you up with one of her homies. But she's classy. Goes to school, gets good grades, got a decent job. She can role out dolo, blend in with your homies, or even sit and chill with your moms that doesn't like any girl. She's feminine enough to be your woman, with a touch of dude so at times she feels like your homie, with enough intelligence to start her own school, and enough swagg to get everyones attention without even trying. She is silently a bad chick.

(2.)A person who actually carries a laser gun.

How To NOT Lose Ya Lady Fellas! (The Sophisticated Blog)

Ya shorty comes home late...hardly contacting you...not on your d#@$ as much...all of a sudden she likes her momma and wants to spend time with her...she's not available like she used to be...she always wants to text, not call...hanging out with "new" friends...doesn't complain to you about her problems at work or with her friends...coochie feels kinda "loose"...hardly nags you about anything that you do...

Fellas if you are experiencing these kind of symptoms in your relationship, it is safe to diagnose this as "Your-About-to-Loose-Ya-Bitch Syndrome". Don't worry, Lazaguncarrier is here to explain WHY your about to loose her and what you can do to prevent this syndrome from re-occurring with your next chick.

First, you, the pathetic nigga that let this all happen, has to re-evaluate and figure out why she would want to leave your sorry ass. If you are that oblivious to your fuckery or can't remember or simply think nothing you did was wrong...I'm here to shine some light on what men can't see where they fucked up.

> Most guys lose their chick simply because they think they CANT. Errrrrrrr! Anyone can loose their lady. Don't think because you guys have all this time invested or your families know each other that once she is sick of your shit she wont just up and leave...because she will.

> You've cheated over and over and over and over again. And again. And again. Even got a kid by some other chick. Yupp, she got tired of ya cheating ass and decided she might as well cheat too. And now has decided to leave you for that nigga she cheated with. You shoulda did the same.

>Ya throw the hands like every other day. Umm do I need to explain any further? The only time ya should be getting rough and tough is on a mattress... feel me? Sure, she'll thank you later for her fighting skills because she's had so much practice with you. :-/

>You take, use-up, and spend all of her money. She finally found a dude that she can take, use-up, and spend all of his money. So now she can save hers. Cheap-ass negro.

>You picked the homies over her. You also picked the bar, the club, the corner, the streets, over being at home with your lady eating ice-cream, watching a movie. So now you can watch a movie and eat ice-cream with ya homies withcha gay self.

>You didn't pay enough attention to her. Hence why you didn't notice her drifting away. Had you paid more attention and showed that you cared just a lil bit about her whereabouts, you could have stopped her from "going to the movies with her friend that you never heard her mention until now".

>You're too comfortable. Laid back. Lost all romance. Dull. Dont like to do anything fun. Lazy. Dont wanna go no where. I don't know, maybe its just me but umm, she might want to move on to bigger and more exciting things. Yes, not only are you boring but you're about to be alone too. Lotion?

>Chicks don't like mean ass boyfriends. Nobody said anything about you being a push over because chicks don't want that either but c'mon, all that unnecessary hostility makes your chick not even want to have a conversation with you. Lose the attitude and you might not lose your girlfriend.

>When ya go out, you probably didn't hold open the door for her, pull out her chair, or let her walk in front of you. Where is your manners? What happened to that gentlemen you were in the beginning of the relationship???

How to NOT Lose her:

Do the complete opposite of the list above. If its not too late, you might get your girl back. If my instructions fail, and you know you ain't shit without this girl, get on ya knees, beg, cry, promise to never do it again. And if that doesn't work...oh well. Better luck with the next girl.

***NOTE***

If you were ALWAYS a dickhead from the very beginning, VOID this blog.

A Step By Step Manual to Keep Your Man in Place and out the Next Girl's Face (REVISED!!!)

Rule Number 1:

Have respect for yourself and your man.

Rule Number 2:

Dont invade his property. (Unless you have STRONG reason to.)

Rule Number 3:

Never jump to conclusions or assume ANYTHING. Find out the facts.

Rule Number 4:

Never make money an issue when it comes to the relationship. Before you give or accept money, be clear what it is. e.i. a loan, gift, installments, etc.

Rule Number 5:

Share the problems you are having with your man AFTER you and him have solved them. True, everyone needs someone to vent to, but only vent to those who will listen and not tell you what to do unless they have a degree in counseling.

Rule Number 6:

Dont move yourself into his crib without an invite.

Rule Number 7:

Your man and your girlfriends should not be best friends. Period.

Rule Number 8:

You and your mans friends should not be best friends. Period.

Rule Number 9:

Never let him know that you are jealous of his female friends or his groupies. But dont ignore the fact that they exist. Because out of those 10 chicks that you suspect that want him, at least 7 of them you're right about.

Rule Number 10:

Just because you caught him cheating or he admits that he cheated, you never, EVER admit that you were cheating as well.

Rule Number 11:

If you cheat, dont get caught unless you are leaving him for the other dude. Otherwise, he will never let you live it down.

Rule Number 12:

For women who have a man who has a female as a best friend: If you cant handle it, dont waste your time.

Rule Number 13:

What ya'll do, is what ya'll do. Keep discretion when it comes to the details of the relationship.

Rule Number 14:

Never tell a bitch about the way your man sexes you. You never know who might wanna try.

Rule Number 15:

Never let him know your every move. It's ok for him to call and ask where you are at.

Rule Number 16:

Never let him beat on the first date. You'll look easy and he'll think that you do this type of thing to men all the time.

Rule Number 17:

Accept that strange and unexplainable shit happens. Sometimes he will say things that makes no sense and sounds like lies but just give him the benefit of doubt. It's not being naive or gullible. Which brings me to the next rule...

Rule Number 18:

Remember and listen to everything that you DONT believe that he tells you. And if the topic comes around again, and what he said before isn't the same thing he is saying now, handle your business.

Rule Number 19:

If you are his woman, his fiancee', his wife...be those things 100% of the time. No such thing as "sometimes" or "part time" being there. If you support him, he'll support you.

Rule Number 20:

This should have been rule Number 1. Don't do things to him that you don't want done to you.

Rule Number 21:

Never attempt to get a nigga "fly". Its not your responsibility or your wallets responsibility to make him look good. He should just come that way. Dont spend money on a dude that dont spend money on YOU!

Rule Number 22:

Dont embarrass your man in front of his friends, your friends, family, co-workers, etc. Tear that ass up in private. ;)

Rule Number 23:

Dont take advice from your friends that are in dysfunctional relationships. Their motives are questionable. You can never be to sure who is out to help you and who wants to see you unhappy just like they are.

***Note***

For entertainment purposes only.

Everything I've listed is through experience with past and current relationships and other's past and current relationships. This is not an actual study.

If These Insects Dont Get "The Fuck On!"...

This past Friday was just like any other Friday. Didnt expect anything unusual or strange. Just had got home from a double date with Michelle and Celsus. Had a great time excluding the hair I found in my pudding cake. ;(. At UNO's in BAYRIDGE. Yea thats right, I'm putting restaurants on blast in my blog. So what.

Anywho, I over ate and was going to the bathroom to "release my self" and just like all the other times I take a sqwat, not thinking twice about it. You know, real nice and comfortable. Suddenly, I feel something crawl on my butt cheek. At first I thought it was a piece of loose string from the pajama pants I had on so I took my hand and try to move it away. To my surprise, there was a biege/brown spider that fell off my ass and into the toilet water. I didn't scream. I didnt cry. My SOUL yelled. I came out the bathroom a different woman.

At first I was VERY embarrassed. So I didn't say anything. I just held my left butt cheek hoping that the spider didn't poke venom into my bloodstream and that I had 48hrs to live.

So it's over 48hrs and I'm still alive. But my toilet experience will never be the same again. I look, flush, a double look making sure there is no critters waiting to bite/crawl up me. No pics sorry even though I know a bunch of you are sick fuckers and would like to see the spider bite on my butt cheek. But I wont give you the satisfaction. :). I told Jermaine that I was scared to use the bathroom and he told me "That's what you get. All that shit that you do has finally bit you in the ass." Lets have a round of applause for Jermaine's corny-ass joke.